My dream kitchen and where is my contentment......

Here it was....

Open concept.  I needed a farmhouse sink, large island where the kids could do schoolwork.  I especially needed that pot filler spout above the stove, because a friend had one and I got it into my head that it was absolutely necessary in my dream kitchen.  This kitchen is beautiful and the woman or man or family that cooks in it is blessed and I am sure making many memories. 

The thing is, this is my kitchen......

No farmhouse sink.  No spout over the stove.  No complete open concept.  But.....I have grown to love it.   And I loved my previous kitchen too.  A little galley style, which is by far, the most efficiently set up kitchen in the world.  So unless you are trying to get your steps in for the day, design your kitchen around a galley.  There is good reason the military uses this to cook for a camp or a huge ship full of personnel.  I digress, back to my kitchen. 

If you notice I have no fancy lighting, there is prep and leftover stuff on the counters.  I had to grow into love.  You see we all love HGTV and Fixer Upper and they are fun to watch and are not bad, but I think as women we start to slowly poison ourselves with discontentment.  Every show can have us looking at our spaces as more shabby and uglier than they were the 30 minutes before the show. 

And it can be any space really.  I might decide I need a wrought iron bed and $600 a piece nightstands and pricey tile in my shower in the master suite.  (And we all secretly know that tile can be a pain to keep from mold and mildew!)

This is a call ladies....love your spaces.  Improve them as you will, or as funds allow but love what they are. 

I love that my kitchen is a hub of activity all day as me, Tommy and the children come in and out for nourishment and refreshment.  It becomes a late night chat area and often a coffee shop for Tommy and I.  I have found things along the way, to make it personal and brighten it up but I'm falling more and more in love with it because it frames memories.  Love your spaces.....make them yours, but don't lose your contentment over something that is not possible now. 

I can't take my pot filler spout to heaven so let me be blessed by what I have now.  I love HGTV and all the ideas it has for making a space cozy and homey.  But, ration your time spent in it.  Make sure that you are not sneering at your cozy and homey home because it doesn't have subway tile in the master bath....(yes, that's another one!) 

But godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.  1 Timothy 6:6-7

Rainbows and dust bunnies......

This little picture of a prism rainbow on my floor is a good summary of life right now.  What did you notice first about this little picture?  My eye is drawn to the rainbow.  I am thankful for that.  But look closer......

Yep, that there is a heap of who knows what!  A filthy combo of dog hair, crumbs, dust bunnies....speaking of let's just call it dust bunnies because bunnies are cute!  

Those are definitely hiding under my entryway table!  Cute little bunny rabbits!  

Except, it's not!  It is dirt.  But lately, I've had to make myself look for the beauty.  I've had to make myself find the joy.  It has not been easy and many times the joy is under layers of dust.....ahem.....bunnies.  

Joy is a concept found many times in scripture.  I counted nearly 50 times in the book of Psalms alone!  If the bible talks about it so much it must be easy peasy lemon squeezy!  Right?  

It is not for me!  I have to work at it on a daily basis!  And many times I am deep in dust and dirt and grumbling and complaining before I realized I lost my joy.  

Joy is a fruit.  In Galatians 5, verse 22, it states: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentelness, selfcontrol, against such things there is no law.  

We had a small peach tree in our yard.  I was excited for the abundance of peaches we were to get.  We lived there for 8 years.  All I got from that skinny little tree was a couple of hard rock like green orbs that tasted nothing like a peach and more like a hard lump of foam.  The point is that fruit is something that has to be cultivated.  The cultivator has to be patient to let the tree bear fruit.  It is not immediate but something that is planned and prepared for.  

Bearing fruit is hard!  But we have to be intentional.  I have really made a point in taking joy in some little beauty of the day.  And yes, the day I took the first photo, I noticed the rainbow first.  I wanted to document it.....a little rainbow on my floor.  It was beautiful.  It was only after I snapped it that I noticed the mess beside it.  It stole away my awe of the rainbow for a minute.  Until I realized that the beauty was still there and still was the dirt.  Why would I let something as nasty, ugly and useless as dirt steal away my appreciation and joy of the beauty of the design of refracted light that God put in place.  

My joys and beauties the past couple of days:

• Burning bushes
• The first hints of fall leaves changing
• A field of yellow
• The feel of Charlotte's hand in mine
• The joy in my children's faces when they are doing something they love
• The feel of Mickey's ears

Looking for the joy and beauty is still hard.  I am sure that practice makes perfect.  I hope this week you look past your dust bunnies and see the rainbows or snuggle a bit more or play a game.  Dust bunnies will always be there!  Trust me!

Managing disappointment.....(preparing to build)

I seem to identify with David, the king of Isreal.  Beside the obvious difference that he is a man, I really enjoy the narrative of his life and find a kindred spirit of sorts in him.  He loves God, is loved by God, but is perfectly flawed.  If that description does not describe our human condition for those that seek the will of the Lord and his son, then I will struggle to find a closer match, at least to myself.

David had conquered.  He had accomplished much and Israel was stronger for it.  I'm sure that David felt on top of his game.  He had the Lord's approval, he had a strong army, mighty men, wives, children....he was the man!  In 1 Kings 5:3, Solomon speaks of something his father was not made for;  "then Solomon sent to Hiram, saying: 'You know my father David could not build a house for the name of the Lord his God because of the wars which were fought against him on every side, until the Lord put his foes, under the soles of his feet.'"

Could you imagine being David and laying what you had accomplished before the Lord, thanking him for it in Psalm after Psalm and begging and pleading for him to stay close to your side, and then be told, "Hold on there David, you are not the one to build my temple!"  I know that I am taking some liberties here, but I have a feeling knowing David like we do from the stories that are recorded of him, he was disappointed to say the least.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been working toward something harder than I have in a long time.  I felt, I had the desire, ambition, and talent to pursue and begin an endeavor that I had nurtured.  I spent time and energy, money and stress.   I lost sleep and when the final verdict came in, it was a shock to find out that I was not the one.  I was wallowing in a murky, dark, and cold abyss of disappointment.  I did not handle the first days well.  In fact, looking back with a few days hindsight, I was downright childish, bitter and immature.  I started to look at everything that could be wrong with them instead of using it as a learning experience to examine and evaluate weaknesses in myself or even just the possibility of this not being a good opportunity for my family.

David was not perfect, but I did have to acknowledge that he handled disappointment well.  If David had been a drama king it would have been easy for him to make a scene about not being able to build the temple.  He could have pouted (I may have done a bit of this), stamped his feet (I may have hit a pillow), and threw an outright temper tantrum (I was perched precariously on the verge of this), but he did not.  He threw all his desire into preparation....prep for something else, for someone else and for the benefit of his son and his people.  In 1 Chronicles 22, David calls Solomon his son to him and tells him how he has chosen to manage his disappointment in not being the one.

5 Now David said, “Solomon my son is young and inexperienced, and the house to be built for the Lord must be exceedingly magnificent, famous and glorious throughout all countries. I will now make preparation for it.” So David made abundant preparations before his death.

6 Then he called for his son Solomon, and charged him to build a house for the Lord God of Israel. 7 And David said to Solomon: “My son, as for me, it was in my mind to build a house to the name of the Lord my God; 8 but the word of the Lord came to me, saying, ‘You have shed much blood and have made great wars; you shall not build a house for My name, because you have shed much blood on the earth in My sight. 9 Behold, a son shall be born to you, who shall be a man of rest; and I will give him rest from all his enemies all around. His name shall be Solomon,[a] for I will give peace and quietness to Israel in his days. 10 He shall build a house for My name, and he shall be My son, and I will behis Father; and I will establish the throne of his kingdom over Israel forever.’ 11 Now, my son, may the Lord be with you; and may you prosper, and build the house of the Lord your God, as He has said to you. 12 Only may the Lord give you wisdom and understanding, and give you charge concerning Israel, that you may keep the law of the Lord your God. 13 Then you will prosper, if you take care to fulfill the statutes and judgments with which the Lord charged Moses concerning Israel. Be strong and of good courage; do not fear nor be dismayed. 14 Indeed I have taken much trouble to prepare for the house of the Lord one hundred thousand talents of gold and one million talents of silver, and bronze and iron beyond measure, for it is so abundant. I have prepared timber and stone also, and you may add to them. 15 Moreover there are workmen with you in abundance: woodsmen and stonecutters, and all types of skillful men for every kind of work. 16 Of gold and silver and bronze and iron there is no limit. Arise and begin working, and the Lord be with you.”

I had to realize that this was not God wanting me to fail.  This was God teaching, molding and showing me to trust, learn and wait.  I am sure more opportunities will avail themselves to me, I will triumph in some and I will fail in some but no matter my Lord is good.  I will repeat after David, 

"For who is God, except the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God?  God is my strength and power, and he makes my way perfect.  He makes my feet like the feet of deer, and sets me in high places." 2 Samuel 22:32-34

I am training myself to channel my disappointment into preparation.  I am obviously not building a temple, which is a good thing, because I'm not sure I could ever come up with all that gold and silver, but I am preparing for the next thing in my way that the Lord makes perfect.  

Finding Passion.....

There is a lot floating around these days that attempts to inspire people to live their passion, find their passion, be passionate.  I've been lacking that in my life for some time.  I am passionate about being a mom and a wife, a christian and a daughter, but I have left my interests on the shelf for far to long.  Oh, I've got them down and dusted them off at certain times for a nostalgic looksy and then properly put them back with a lot of excuses and a little regret and dare I say.....resentment.

I've had to ask myself what are my passions, pursuits and talents.  I've been guilty of talking down to myself.  I've told myself, "You're a mom, you've been out of the workplace for a while, and you are not "specialized" in anything.  It is surely time to stop that negative, nasty talk!   My answer to the question of identifying my passions and interests has zeroed in on two things....writing and reading.

Yep, that's it.  I love to read and I love to write.  So why am I not filling my time with these.  I have over the course of this year met and exceeded a reading goal.  I have been pleased with my variety of reading material in that completed list.  But...I have not written in a long time.  Most writers, if I may be so bold to stereotype, suffer from a complex that makes them question if what they are writing is meaningful or will it be valuable to anyone else?  Well if some of our most amazing writers had asked that question, they would have closed up shop.  Austen, Dickinson, Piatt all were sadly undervalued in their writing lifetime.  I have no wish to put myself up with these esteemed and talented people but my point is, the value to others may not matter as much as the value to yourself.

I love language and I love the words ability to put pictures and details in our minds of beauty that are uniquely our own.  I love the feeling of writing something that makes you feel like you have expressed yourself and let the chips fall where they may.  I love when someone's thoughts inspire someone to contemplate and change.  Now those are all lofty ambitions, I may never achieve but I'd rather live with some passion and try.

So here's to a resurrection of my blog.  Maybe it was, all along, more for me than for my message to others.

Reaching across the aisle.....

Have you heard politicians make that statement?  They stand behind a wood podium asking for your vote and trying to make you feel like an idiot if you do not want to vote for them.  They make claims.....one of them is to reach across the aisle.


I have grown up in the church.  I have sat there with my coloring books and pink bibles and now I sit there with my own children and my husband.  In that time, I have seen some issues divide brother against brother, sister against sister and family against family.  Divides happen almost overnight and even if it does not split a congregation there are people who are not connected to other people.  Before you know it, no one is reaching across the aisle to shake hands, let alone, encourage, admonish, serve or love.

From this lady's late 30's perspective, I see a brewing problem.  Before I come out and state the problem let me describe two different people types that I see across the aisle.......

BROTHER AL

This brother is typically in the younger half of life.  He is educated, never been in the military but working.  He has been upper middle class all his life and excluding a stint as a relatively comfortable college student though poor, he has lived in a way he rarely needs to deny himself his desires or wants.  He may be married or single and may have 2.5 children or be planning for them.  He listens to a wide range of music from christian rock to folk songs to rap and he has many pass times that give him not only things to talk to his peers about but to occupy his time outside of work.  He rarely speaks to anyone outside his immediate close friends at church.  He has been in the church his entire life and his parent's "raised him right."  He is often discouraged about things in his congregation.  He doesn't feel uplifted about the singing, the preaching or the work that is going on.  He wants people to do more but lacks talent or motivation to initiate that.  He gathers with his friends and although not malicious in intent he gently "bashes" his fellow brothers and sisters and leadership because he would like to see some more progressive and "relevant" work and worship take place.  He wants to see more people in the congregation doing the work with widows and orphans but may or may not participate in this work himself.  He is discouraged, disgruntled and disheartened.

After worship, Brother Al turns and steps into the aisle and in an effort to leave accidentally crosses paths with another that he rarely speaks to......

BROTHER BOB

Brother Bob is typically an experienced man.  He may be a grandfather at this point.  He has seen many things.  He does not think himself wise but wishes that more listened to him.  He was likely in the military or was a man that had to make something of himself where so much was hard early on.  He became a Christian a bit later in life.  He has remained faithful through ugly splits in his congregations over things such as instrumental music, and divorce and remarriage.  He cringes every time brothers and sisters disagree, praying that it will not end in a mess where brother will not talk to brother.  He is easy to get a long with but a bit shy.  He enjoys the children  but is frustrated with the lack of discipline training offered by their parents.  He would love to step outside himself a bit and get to know some of the families but does not know how he will be received if he did.  He often speaks in bible classes and feels like he is often combating a subtle shift in what he can only call liberalism.  He gains great encouragement and joy from the old hymns sung for ages and finds the new ones that many of the younger members prefer to be "dumb down" lacking in deeper meaning.  He finds comfort and assurance in the familiar rhythm of worship that has been apart of this group for decades and feel it would be borderline sinful for any change to be made.  He is not able to get around as easily and refrains from going to any of the "extras" that are hosted from time to time.  He fears that people think he does not want to be with them, and that is not it.  He does gather for morning coffee with a couple of his peers.  They have no malicious intent but proceed in gently rebuking the others for bringing in the creeping liberalism. He is often discouraged, disgruntled and disheartened.  


Now both brothers face each other in the aisle.  Will they say a polite excuse me?  Or will one extend the hand?
Brother Al and Brother Bob can be all different ages and backgrounds.  In almost any organized group you typically see the person who wants change (good or bad) and the person who wants to stand with tradition (good or bad).  For myself, I have been both a brother Al and a brother Bob.

Let us ask ourselves a few questions in dealing with our brothers and sisters.  And I find it ironic that both brothers....though so different need to ask the same questions.

Is Christ divided?  Paul in 1 Corinthians 1:13 asks his brothers this question when they were quarreling about baptism and which person's performance meant more.  Is your division over hymns, work groups or organization worth dividing over?

Is this divide pleasant or pleasing to our God?  Psalms 133:1

Are you seeking and pursuing peace?  1 Peter 3:8-11

Is your goal to be one body in unity and peace?  Ephesians 4:1-7

Are you outdoing one another?  Romans 12:10, Hebrews 13:1

At times I am brother Al.....wanting so badly to not be stuck in a "tradition" with no meaning to me and so many times I am brother Bob just longing for the comfort and peace that comes in familiar.

Back to the aisle?  Brother Al choses, "good morning" instead of the polite way to remove himself.  Brother Bob, surprised, offers his hand and asks Al about his work.   Al answers and asks Bob what he does with his time.  Bob invites Al to coffee and all of a sudden those coffee brothers politely bashing are having real productive conversations about work and worship in the Lord.  They begin to appreciate each others point of view and each others zeal expressed in different unique ways.  Now would that not be a more biblical end to the story?  or......do we stay status quo....

"Excuse me."  both men move on and leave the building after worship.

I am old and

You are young

But sinners we be

Forever bonded in a need

for salvation full and free

I am young but 

You are old

Wisdom I can see

Forever bonded in a thirst 

for Knowledge is the key

I am me and 

you are you

age should never be

Forever parting us against

for someone died for we

  

Here we are but straying pilgrims....

The stress was mounting.  I was torn 

between trying to let go and tear away and hanging onto the roots that had taken hold for almost a decade and a half.  We hopped from one "goodbye" to the next.  We put up a tiny little Christmas tree with some discount ornaments because all our other items had been packed.  There was a ting of excitement frosted with a lot of nervousness and sprinkled with a little reluctance.  

You see, this was me four years ago, almost to the day.  We were packing up our house of over a decade, the one I brought my babies home too, and moving to an illusive place called Memphis, where I was sure I was going to be shot.  You know, because everyone that moves to Memphis lives out their own "48 Hours" reality TV show as soon as they enter the suburbs of the area!  

Not true!  But....

I did not know that yet and I was sure about two things.....

1.  That no one would visit me. 

And 

2.  I was going to hate it.  

Homesickness set in and I am pretty sure my dear sweet friends in Memphis simultaneously patted my back and hugged me while rolling their eyes which inferred for me "to get a grip."  I spent a good year being homesick. 

But during that year we were meeting some of the greatest people on the planet!  Seriously folks, you really need to make Memphis a go-to place for yourself. 

I've found in reflection that I had some growing to do.  The only way for that to happen was transplanting.  Not many have indoor house plants but growing up my mom had a ton and when the plant was bigger and had outgrown it's current pot you would have to move it to a bigger one thereby "transplanting" it.  I was a Northern, Yankee, Buckeye in a Sounthern, SEC, Blusey kind of place.....you don't get much more transplanted than that my friends.  

So here I am four years from that time and transplanted again.  I believe reflection is warranted and even commanded from God.  Have I learned all he wanted me to during this sojourn?  I hope so.  I know he will teach me more as time goes on and more "transplanting"happens.  So in no particular order....what I learned and am learning through two moves, a baby and chaos.....

1.  Meeting people.  Getting out there and meeting souls is a beautiful thing.  I like my comfort zone but these geographical moves made me seek people.  I have met some of the best and some I will love eternally!  I never would have met them in my first planted pot.  Would I go back and do it all again?  Absolutely!!!  Memphis, Fort Wayne....it doesn't matter, people need each other and I've had the privilege to expand my people!  Thank you for being my people!!

2.  I saw more than my own mindset.  Even though people are people, there are cultural differences between different regions in the U.S.  Moving had got me outside my own mindset, allowing me as Atticus says, in To Kill A Mockingbird, "walk around in someone else's shoes." The south really does have some great manners.  They are some of the most hospitable people I know.  I love the values they pass to their children.  But the North also has so many attributes!  Loyalty, friendship, family.  My world and it's view has expanded thanks to my travels.  Never would I thought I would have questioned Abraham Lincoln's moves during the Civil War but after living in that part of the country I find it interesting to discuss if he abused his power during that time.  I digress, but you see how I questioned some long held assumptions about myself.  

3.  I've written about this before on my love for Memphis but in reflection, I am thankful for my moves because......BBQ Nachos came into my life!  BBQ Nachos ....just go there and try them.  You will never regret it.  

4.  Being away made me appreciate being home.  It made me appreciate my family and my time with them. They did come visit (although probably less for me and more for reason #3) and we went home to visit.  

5.  Home really is where the heart is.  So if that is true I have about a dozen "homes" scattered around the Eastern half of the U.S.  My heart is with people I love (refer to #1!). My sister's homes, my parents', in laws and all my dear friends who I've shared with are all "home."  

6.  I'm pretty sure God never wanted us to get too comfy here.  In not saying that everyone has to move....but I'm saying that I use the moves as my remembrance that I'm going "home" one day. Abraham was told to leave family and home.  Joseph was sold away from family and home.  Esther was away from home when big things were laid at her feet to deal with.  I am not to like here so much that I lose my longing for heaven.  So Dayton, Memphis, Fort Wayne should never be so comfortable for me that I wish to just eat, drink and be merry!  

As my family and I settle into yet a new home, I hope that I can continue to reflect and learn.  I was a stray and through the Shepherd, I am brought home.  Thank you Lord!!

Why we have taken a CC (Classical Conversations) break.....

Some of you reading this may have come to CC through me and some may have chatted with me about it at some point or another.  I don't really owe an explanation for our choice but I feel that maybe some were curious when you are the cheer section for CC for many years and then all of a sudden you quietly back away.

To follow is a couple of my famous disclaimers: 

1.  I still love CC.  And may go back to it.  

2. I have sat through 8-9 practicums and I get the classical method or CC's version of it really well so I need no "refresher" course in the trivium or Classical methodology.

That being said, I have enjoyed being away from CC for the past few months.  I miss my friends and community but we were relocating anyway and that would have been a fact no matter if we had continued or not in our new location.  To make this easier to break down I am just going to list a few reasons we have broken with not only the CC model but the curriculum as a whole.

1.  We have done it for 7 years.  My son was starting his third round of cycle 1.  Repetition is good, but for us, it sounded tedious.  I had also in these years seen CC grow which was good but with severe growing pains.  I missed some of the things that were done well when CC was small.

2.  We were not happy.   The last couple of years my son and I were miserable.  I can never blame that all on curriculum choice, but I do know that since we changed my son specifically, likes his work.

3.  The memory master competition that works so well for so many students to motivate them, did not work well for my students when they once again failed.  My children learned so much under CC but it was always shadowed as they failed because they did not obtain Memory Master.  We were not going to sacrifice all on the alter of Memory master.  Please do not misunderstand me.  I feel that MM is a wonderful reward and there are so many families that work hard and obtain their goal with guidance and prayer.  But there is also the other side to this were it is a matter of pride and stubbornness.   So my average students, although learning and growing each year, often felt they had failed miserably when that reward was not obtained.

4.  My priorities changed.  After many years of feeling that my involvement in CC as director and tutor were for my children, I found that they were not.  They took away from my children.  This was my situation alone.  I am not saying that every director or tutor is taking away from their children.  I was taking from mine!  This year, I am present with my children.  It has been a refreshing break.

5.  CC is one interpretation of  the classical method.  It is a good one, making classical realistic for me for many years.  But....as I have read and studied, I am looking for a bit more of a synthetic (or our education having more synthesis) than was translated in using the CC curriculum.  "To Know God and to make Him Known" often got lost in our daily parrot of memory work.  I wanted to study things more as a whole.  How they all interconnect and to ultimately get to truth.  (I realize that the foundations phase is prep for that but my deep thinking 11 year old was ready to move on.)

6.  I love memory work and the foundation that it gave my children but I want to start to move beyond the poll parrot!  They knew facts and would light up if they heard anything relating to something they could recite but that is exactly where it stopped.  I guess my son was getting more dialectic than the curriculum was allowing.

7.  We were missing out on some other things that have made our home and school enjoyable.  My kids have loved good literature and enjoying the discussion of it.   We have loved walks and field trips more because we can take a day here and there.  We do not lose a whole day and spend another day recouping from our CC community day.

Again, I love CC and may go back to it at some point, but after seven years some of it's weaknesses were wearing on me.  I have seen a fire and light in my son that has not been there for many years.  He is more confident and more talkative and inquisitive.  He no longer second guesses himself or feels complete failure when he doesn't remember week 6's Latin memory work.

We are learning and having fun doing it and isn't that the goal for all homes?  I want my children to remember with fondness the memories of us learning together.

Oh and by the way.....

8.  I am learning so much too!